Home
watch the ice melt on the glass as the eloquent young pilgrams pass [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
green_envy_dies

[ website | myspace ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

response to something i read.... [Mar. 17th, 2005|02:14 pm]
[feeling in mi heart | indifferent]
[ringing in mi ears |break on through- the doors.]

ive have been hearing alot about hypocrisy lately. and i have my thoughts.
and bear with them. because they are jumbled in my brain. and im sorri if it contradicts your thoughts. and if it does. i am happily open to other opinions. because a strong background of information can only make me stronger.
besides the point... here goes... and i am sorry.

being hypicritcal is something that humans can not aviod. no matter what we are always contradicting ourselves or otherwise changing our opinions making it seem like we are in a constant state of contradiction.. you may one day believe that some one who said they were never going to have sex have it, but where is the line drawn to changing opinions versus a state of self hypocrisy. i guess that is a pretty subtle example. but then again, the subtle facts in life are always the ones that are overlooked. i guess it becomes a blatant form of hypocricy if one was to say never to drink and go get drunk right then. but that is BLATANT. and that is publically hypocritcal. but. if you say your not going to drink and then later change an opinion to drink is that considered an act of self judgement or is it consider a form of cantradiction.
hypocricy is a really difficult thing to define. people have the oppurtunity at any time to change their opinion making everyone dangerous and vulnerable. vulnerable to deception, corruption or any form of evil. but also, tha abiltity to change can be used as good, changing what had the potential to destroy into a fighting force for any good effort. but then again. what is good and bad is a CONSTANT contradiction in itself. you never have a good without its evil. the wrong behind this is that a good could be an evil from a different perspective as can a evil be good. it isnt necessarly a contradiction. it could be an opinion. and hypocricy and contradiction versus opinion cross a tight rope of standards. say if you change your opinion to start drinking[as an example, not as a attack]. it could be looked as a hypocricy because maybe you never planned on drinking or you were trying to wait or whatnot, but to the peopl you were drinking with it would be a change of opinion.

thats why it is prudent not to judge peoples standards of living. but yes even i do this constantly, along with everyone else. i admit i size up my competetion and way them down all the time. ALL THE TIMe. in my head, with my mouth whatever. but at least i am aware of this. it is something i know i do. and ill be the first to admit that i am a hypocrite. but maybe that is what defines an opinion over a contradiction. reconition of the act of change.

i dunno..

but i have to go to swim...
link

i need ant-depressants [Mar. 6th, 2005|07:40 pm]
[feeling in mi heart | what the fuck is going on.]

writing is the only escape i have.
and for once "the one with all the answers needs the help"
so i will write.

pooring out my heart doestn matter. because i simply dont have one to begin with.i mean seriously. i preach about being who you are at the fullest, but i am the most hypercritical at doing that. i cant feel.

as soon as i walk into these walls, its like i am transformed into everything i hate being. i am the current day dr. jekal and mr.hyde. and i hate who that is. i walk into the house i am supposed to call home, but i feel like a donar organ that is costantly being attacked by the body because it is not the correct type or whatnot, and is rejected from inside. regardless, it is so blury i cant even tell if its me who is the cancer from within or its actually being in this "home". i cant take it any more. i am drawing blanks everywhere i turn. and it sucks. i went through pictures of my life today, and i drew a blank on every happy momment i have had in the fucking house. i cant remember being home.

i seriously can feel it killing me everyday. i have this not in my stomach and its tighter and tighter everyday. but i can not be depressed because when i am around people i care and guinally am comfortable around i feel happy. truly. not a mirage. i feel like, like what it is to feel. its a sense of nothing. a sense of who i truly am. and for those people who never no how much i think and care and love you, i think about you everyday.

you keep me alive. i wake up in the morning feeling numb, until i realize that in order for me to be sane, i must be with you and around you.

and you all should know who you are. i litterally live for every single one of you. if it wasnt for the sake of living in spite of myself, i would be gone. but thanks to every single one of you that comfort me without knowing it.

i thank you and love you and i will always deeply apperciate you for keeping me alive and sane and the true and comforted person i am when i am around you.
and im going to go.

because no one will or wants to read the life of me. because its a bnunch of bullshit anyway.

it is. and i am sorry for who i am. but it is truly, all bullshit. and i am sorry.


"all i can say, i should have said, can we take a ride get out of this place while we still have time."


im running on empty and im going to crash.
i love you.
thanks for caring too.
link

(no subject) [Feb. 27th, 2005|01:17 pm]
[feeling in mi heart | nostalgic]
[ringing in mi ears |pillars- sunny day real estate.]

no one reads this any how so i can pretty much poor my soul out..

to some up how i feel.. is to give a blind man vision for the first time.
i finally broke down. i finally let it all burn. i finally woke up to the anesthic they put me under so many years ago.

an independent soul is so hypercrytical. there shouldn't be independence. it shouldnt even be a word, there are always look holes. always ways around being free.

even if we are free to think and do as we please we all need to rely on others like parents for shelter, nourishment and to feel belonging.

but what happens if you take out the feeling of belonging? you have a unfinished equation. aand it all unravels from there. you cant take shelter somewhere that doesnt feel like home. you cant feel welcome in a place you never knew you were.

its not that i dont love them. its far from that. they give and give. but they forgot to reaffirm the one thing i need more then anything. to feel loved, and cherished and special because i am unique.

i know this only because i learned to think for myself a very long time ago. that is why i am who i am.

like the facets of a diamond. each unique, each differently and strikingly amazing. each so beautiful, but alone they would be figments of fading beauty, not long lasting love. together they make up a beautiful stone, precious and rare... its like a personality. amazing, striking. but not quite the same without all the pieces of the puzzle.

that is how i am. i can not be complete without all the elements of me. independence, confromation, friends, self, love, lust, intellegence, stupidity, ignorance, wealth, caring, cold, ugly, lasting, unique, typical.

what ever the adjective is, you can find it applys to me in single aspects of my life...

and im independantly alright with it, because i now can understand what i am supposed to feel.
link

(no subject) [Feb. 9th, 2005|06:22 pm]
so there is this guy......and i didnt know his name.
but thanks to taylors sneaky sneakyness,i now know his name: and jamie likes it too.


Auto response from BATMANisthebst (5:30:06 PM): I KNOW HIS NAME

[=
sAMoAN cHIcA 07 (5:30:05 PM): U KNOW HIS NAME!!
BATMANisthebst (5:30:52 PM): i know his name
BATMANisthebst (5:30:55 PM): ***
sAMoAN cHIcA 07 (5:30:55 PM): !!!!
sAMoAN cHIcA 07 (5:30:56 PM): yay!!!
BATMANisthebst (5:30:57 PM): lol
BATMANisthebst (5:30:58 PM): ya
BATMANisthebst (5:31:02 PM): taylor found out
sAMoAN cHIcA 07 (5:31:03 PM): hahaha
sAMoAN cHIcA 07 (5:31:08 PM): how did she find out?
BATMANisthebst (5:32:34 PM): she staged like we were talking about the guest speakers and was like do you know any of them maxine
BATMANisthebst (5:32:40 PM): and im like well i only know derek
BATMANisthebst (5:32:52 PM): and shes like "josh whats the other guys name?"
sAMoAN cHIcA 07 (5:32:56 PM): lol
sAMoAN cHIcA 07 (5:34:38 PM): so...now that u know his name...
sAMoAN cHIcA 07 (5:34:41 PM): u can talk to him
BATMANisthebst (5:35:13 PM): how am i gonna talk to him
BATMANisthebst (5:35:17 PM): strike up a convo.
sAMoAN cHIcA 07 (5:35:31 PM): yeah
BATMANisthebst (5:36:49 PM): hey there you probally have NO idea who i am, well im maxine and i think your totally hott and i want your body. oh ya you might be curious how i actully know who you are, um ya i saw you guest speak at a MUN conference and i fell in love with you instantly and we should stop talking and we can make babies
sAMoAN cHIcA 07 (5:37:41 PM): lol
sAMoAN cHIcA 07 (5:37:45 PM): hey it works for some ppl

ya im not RICO SAUVE tho ]=
<3me
link

(no subject) [Feb. 3rd, 2005|05:44 pm]
[feeling in mi heart | teheehee]
[ringing in mi ears |if you like pina coladas]

RCM898: whore



yeahhhh.
link

(no subject) [Jan. 18th, 2005|06:03 pm]
[feeling in mi heart | optimistic]

light breaks underneath the heavy door, and i try to keep myself awake. and theres a pain in my stomach from another sleepless bench. and i struggle to get myself up again. i want to hang onto to something that wont break away or fall apart like the pices of my heart.

 

<3

link

this lab suckss. [Jan. 5th, 2005|09:55 am]
this lab sucks... and this is only the first of the new year. effing eh.

i got free coffee today.. scorage....and im super bored and extremely tired.

later

love
me
link

im not ok [Dec. 31st, 2004|01:43 pm]
for once. i am not denying myself to feel hurt. im not ok. but it feels so great to finally feel what ive been depriving myself of for so long. and that simply is feeling. shutting up and shutting out what you are supposed to be feeling is no longer an option. i am not ok. and its the most bittersweet moment. no longer shutting off what i feel. no longer fighting back feelings. no more stone cold silence. just the first feeling of understanding to fully let your emotions and heart to lead me in confidence. and its now beyond the point that im not ok. it doesnt matter that i feel bad. it doesnt matter that i feel crushed and hurt and amazed and astonished and so proud. beceause i can truly feel this is the first time. and it doesnt matter any situations before this time nor does any feelings or thoughts that i have so struggled to let leave my inside. and now that time bomb is no longer in exstistance and it feels. its never the point in a heart break or when hopes are crushed that that action has physically taken place, nor does that drive us to care about the matter. yet it is the feeling that compells us to forever move on and care and feel and understand. and if you cant understand my situation then you can understand this. you have to feel the emotions in your stomach that twisting and turning that torments you or makes you feel wonderful. you can comprehend any sitution to one of your own and relate back to me through a feeling you once may have only slightly discovered. the mistakes in your past can be brought to reconsilation through anyone else mistakes of the present and you can truly sympathsize and understand what it is like to feel how the other feels. you can never sympathsize with anyone through just listening, yet you must relive this feeling through your past and relive their journey to get to the state you feel at the present. and only if and when you realize that this feeling allows you to relate with anyone in any situation that you can truly understand my case of how it feels to feel for the first time. and then you realize that a situation is not defined by how much you can mentally understand but how much your heart and your caring feels. and then the cycle continues allowing you to comprehend that even if i murdered a person it does not matter what the details of what is cauising my pain entail, because that does not matter, yet what matters is that you now recognize that i am not ok, nor will i be for a long time and sympathy without any understanding will neither help or comfort anyone in the same situation. and feeling will get me through anything.a dn niether you nor the next person understand until you can feel through actions what anyone like me feels. and then i will and everyone around me in the same situations be truly and simply: OK.
link

christmas list [Dec. 23rd, 2004|06:27 pm]
[feeling in mi heart | maybe]
[ringing in mi ears |last christmas-JEW]

Dear Santa, if i could have each of the following things i would be extremely stoked and have a very happy christmas indeed:


1. kelly green converse allstars size seven [hightops or lowtops whichever]





thank you mr. santa claus!

love-
maxine
link

so its official. i have an addiction to caffine [Dec. 20th, 2004|07:42 pm]
[feeling in mi heart | COFF-ucking-EE!?!?]
[ringing in mi ears |soco- i want to save you[ coffee would save me!!]]

i NEED FUCKING COFFEE.
SO IF ANY ONE WANTS TO VOLENTEER AND BRING ME AN FUCKING CUP ID GREATLY APPERICIATE IT.

and i decided i hate that stupid U2 song. the uno dos tres qatorce. what the fuck is that? one, two, three fourteen? do you not know how to count Bono? id think you would be pretty intellegent because you have that great thing about saving dying kids in africa from famine.[ i have a spelling problem too, but thats alright i learned to count from seseme street bitchs] and by the way trying to rescue people from famine is really never going to happen because even if you feed all the people in africa one day you still have the next day to worry about....because a famine generally is a long period of time where the land is not able to grow food causing starvation and therefore causing what is a famine...ya see i got on this tangent on U2 and i really dont need to give a shit.

im soooooooo tired and brilliant in a bitchY way thats its funni.

this brings me back to my first point. COFFEEEE. NOW.PLEASE!!! PLEASE ?!!?
link

yaaa baby [Dec. 16th, 2004|08:12 am]
[feeling in mi heart | ohhhhh.]
[ringing in mi ears |last christmas-Jimmy Eat WOrld]

life in general is about FEELING. not seeing. not smelling. not tasting. not being. FEELING. you must FEEL to understand and to understand you must FEEL. how can you be expected to comprehend a situation if you are not there to FEEL the air in your lungs, FEEL the emotion in your heart, the tingling in your stomach, FEEL the tears in your eyes, the laughter in your mouth. you cannot describe life. you must feel it. You must be there to understand the FEELING and with out that FEELING you receive from situations and life, you can never be able to be expected to appreciate the worth of FEELING.
link

NEW fricking ZEALAND [Dec. 14th, 2004|04:05 pm]
[feeling in mi heart | YEAHHHHHH BABAY!!]

so i didnt think i was goiing to get accepted..but yes people i am one of the FOUR students from the city of HUntington Beach to go to NEW ZEALAND..

holy crap im going to New fricking Zealnd... i ammmm SOOOOOOOO fricking stoked right now and i will be for forever more... this is one of the greates things that has happened to me... yay for english speaking people coming to visit at my house too.. ahhh man im soooooooo EXCITED..

the down is i have to miss my spring break..

but hey im going to new zealand. the thought just doesnt register...

i have a while to wait but it shall be so insanely awesome...

damn...im happy.
link

(no subject) [Dec. 8th, 2004|09:53 am]
[feeling in mi heart | blah]
[ringing in mi ears |taylor and steph singing spice girls.....]

lab time again.

i think i updated like yesterday but its alright whatever.
chem is alright.. i suppose
last night was the longest effing night of my life.
never wear a white skirt when it is raining.
the one time i wear underwear too.. seriously.
black under white in the rain.
not smart.......

we are now done with our lab. yayyy.
i wish myspace worked at school.
i really really really do.
its lame it doesnt work.

this school thing is lame too.

JJ isnt going to scare me anymore.
because he scared me last time in class....
its raining outside.and im wearing sandals.

i have a thing with wearing the wrong type of clothes on the wrong day.
its a curse.

steph says hi. [=
link

dreams never die [Dec. 7th, 2004|03:42 pm]
[feeling in mi heart | nipplely]
[ringing in mi ears |shins-kissing the lipless]

so i was thinking.
its been nipplely outside[like when its so cold that you have permenant THO]
and im into drinking cold stuff.
but apparently your body cant handle more then 6 oz of wheatgrass.
so i could have technically killed my colan.
thanks to that dumb kid at jamba juice.
who cares for people at jamba anyhow.
well except for vanherk-y

spanish was ok.
im starving.
and practice was fun.
we scrimmaged. it was good times. and it was cold too.
nipplely like i said.
so i dont have any clue when to go shopping for christmas.
soon but not today
today i have a vball banquet. woopwoop

well im out of herre.
laterr.
love-
me
link

(no subject) [Dec. 3rd, 2004|10:04 am]
"hi journal im very bored and this chem lad is very stupid"- stephanie..

ya im in chem class agin...

and it is super boring. like my life.
we just did a lab and we made silver. woop woop. thats probs the most exciting hting i will do today.

well i think im going out.

chanel <3 thinks im depressed. does that mean im going to commit suicide??
no she says.
maybe.......


lol i have the coolest pants ever!!! says steph

i think they are really cool too.

ya... its weird. im bored...and life is wonderful...

jj is cool... ya.. you know you want him for a teach.

he just scared me...im scared..
owe
tummy hurts...
link

so sick so sick so sick of being tired. [Nov. 30th, 2004|07:52 pm]
[feeling in mi heart | sooooo frickin worn out & dead]
[ringing in mi ears |postal service- clark gable]

im freaking exhausted.
i had my first polo game.
we lost.
i was pissed.
it was freaking the funnest thing ever though.
i attempted to teach people how to knit today.
it didnt work.
im so tired.
i have to write some homework out.
and i want to ditch soo bad.
i dont want to go to chem anymore.
im so tired.
so tired.
and i always smell of chlorine.
so i am a chlorinated tired bitch.
yumm.
sounds fun.

ok my bed is screaming out my name.
unfortunatly for me, so is millions of pages of math, english and chem.
efffing A.

oh ya im getting interveiwed to go to new zealand.
wish me luck.

love-
me
link

(no subject) [Nov. 26th, 2004|10:32 am]
[feeling in mi heart | wondering...]
[ringing in mi ears |muse- hopelessly]

so. i dont like thanksgiving. i dont eat turkey. or meat for that matter. i had a salad, broclee, mashed potatoes and a roll. wow all that cooking for that. wooopdedoo. plus my family invaded. and i have a psyco family so it totally was not worth it. and to top it all off i didnt even get to eat a piece of the incrediable cheesecake i made because all my fatty family ate it first. what is that!????? the best thing i did yesterday was fricking knit. yes. knit. knit. thats it. how freaking fun is that? plus i wanted to be able to go out. i wanted to have something i havent had in a year. i miss being with someone. i think hooking up is fun, but it leaves me wanting more. and it hurts when that more isnt there. i dunno i guess im just a typical girl and im sure ewveryone is lonely and i should suck it up. but i dont want to. i want someone to call me in the middle of the night to say that he missed me, or for someone to find me the nest day and surprise me with a hug and we spoon for forever. i wish i could find that and not fill the gap with hooking up. dont get me wrong. i like making out. but making out and hooking up are totally different. you make out with someone that you are in a relationship with more off of bf gf thing. hooking up is temporary. i dont know. im not over it. but i have to be because if im not i leave my self open to rejection. and rejection hurts and it kills me. oh well. i guess its worth the risk. but where do you draw the line? i dont know. i think im going to go out tonight and get drunk. haha just kidding im straight edge. whatever. ill overdose on chocolate or something. ya. sounds good. if you want to come over and hang out. anytime. give me a ring.
link

chem class again. [Nov. 17th, 2004|09:01 am]
[feeling in mi heart | taylor and steph are hott]
[ringing in mi ears |nothing.]

i am in chem class agian.
it is quite boring.
again.
i think i will only start updating while i am in chem class... because we have so much time.

i have polo today.
yes.
i bought a bag. its hott.
i love it.

i walked my dog.
last night...ya.. good times.

vball team lost.
taylor is fond of my green bathing suit and she tap tapped me.
scorage.

taylor finds it important to say that steph has a wonderful behind.
[i agree whole heartedly.]

MYSPACE DOESBT WORK AT SCHOOOL> errrr...
but aol and aim does.. i dont get it.

stephanie says hi live journal. and i think i am going to leave now..
"bye bye"- taylor
"bibi"- steph

ya.
link

(no subject) [Nov. 10th, 2004|04:08 pm]
[feeling in mi heart | GGGGRRRRRRR]
[ringing in mi ears |shins- celebate life.]

BATMANisthebst (3:47:52 PM): tay tay
BATMANisthebst (3:47:54 PM): im crying
HbSmiley1 (3:47:59 PM): awww why
BATMANisthebst (3:48:52 PM): i was hopping the fence tyo get to seacliff and my shirt ripps... and im like aww that sucks but whatever, its just my shirt...so i went back to h20 polo and i was late and i didnt feel like swimming cuz it was jv varsity prac so i was like hmmmm noo.
BATMANisthebst (3:48:59 PM): and i sit down on the bleachers.
BATMANisthebst (3:49:05 PM): and i feel my but get cold.
BATMANisthebst (3:49:16 PM): not like my jeans butt but my butt butt.
BATMANisthebst (3:49:19 PM): and i stood up
BATMANisthebst (3:49:29 PM): AND I RIPPED MY FAVORITE PAIR OF JEANS!!!!
BATMANisthebst (3:49:33 PM): :'(
HbSmiley1 (3:49:53 PM): not your other pair
HbSmiley1 (3:50:09 PM): didnt u tell me the other day how u ripped your favorite pair
HbSmiley1 (3:50:12 PM): now these
BATMANisthebst (3:50:17 PM): ya
BATMANisthebst (3:50:18 PM): !
BATMANisthebst (3:50:24 PM): what the HECK!!!
BATMANisthebst (3:50:26 PM): ]';
HbSmiley1 (3:51:00 PM): awww id be sad too
BATMANisthebst (3:51:26 PM): i have crappy ass luck
HbSmiley1 (3:52:06 PM): wen it comes to jeans yes
BATMANisthebst (3:52:15 PM): ]':
HbSmiley1 (3:52:53 PM): you need to break in another pair
[this is for tay tay cheering me up]

[and this is for me]

link

(no subject) [Nov. 10th, 2004|09:06 am]
[feeling in mi heart | chem class is boring.]
[ringing in mi ears |josh wining about gum...]

i dont have gum.
i really dont.

no i dont.

nope......

oh and steph is going on a double date and hooking up with a hott guy for maxine, because hott guys are hott.

we have nothing to do in chem class because we are awesome like that.
me tay and steph are the hottest people in this effing class..

ya bitch..
jj is pretty cool though.
oh yaaaaaaa.

ya....

blanco and negro are pretty hott though.


sweeeet
sweeeeet

yaaa taylor figured it out.

they have been introduced into the code named things.

steph thinks negro is hotter...

PS CODE NAMES ARE NOT RACIAL!

i love you alll...
link

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]

Advertisement